The Post Truth Post

How will you celebrate Quitters’ Day this year?

Bloke with a carrot
Photo credit: Depositphotos

Hot on the heels of Christmas and New Year comes Quitters’ Day, but how will you be celebrating this newest of holidays? 

Quitters’ Day may have only been officially recognised for a handful of years but is fast becoming as much a pillar of the holiday season as Black Friday and Cyber Monday. 

Falling on the second weekend in January, Quitters’ Day marks the passing of resolve and the acceptance that old habits really do die hard. Whether you’re celebrating for the first time or you’re a quitting veteran, our handy tips will help you celebrate “caving to the craving” in style. 

Return that Nutribullet

Face it, you are not going to use that Nutribullet again, you may as well pop it back in the post to Amazon. Sure the idea of blitzing five vegetables, you wouldn’t normally give shopping basket space to, into a nutritious wallpaper paste sounded like the health kick you needed as you emerged from a food coma on Christmas day; but are you really going to force down another litre of kale sap and wood chippings? No. No, you’re not. Pack it up, get it back to Amazon at once and use the refund to buy bigger trousers.

Exercise DVDs make great coasters 

Splashed out on the latest celebrity exercise DVD? Can’t summon the energy to even walk to the DVD player to put the disk in? Fear not, excess exercise DVDs make great coasters so re-gift those bad boys to a friend whose dry January has taken a turn for the wet. 

Bake cakes for your Weight Watchers’ group

The humiliation of the first Weight Watchers meeting of the year is nothing compared to the first weigh-in following Quitters’ Day, so if you intend to attend, take some cakes for the whole group. Many of your class will be feeling sorry for themselves after their own Quitters’ Day binge, cakes all round will lift the mood. 

Give up vaping

As the saying goes, if a job's worth doing it’s worth doing properly. Bin the vape and break out the Camel. You’re going to die anyway so why live out your last with R2D2’s dick hanging out your mouth?

Stop going to the gym

Deciding not to go to the gym on Quitters’ Day is as gorging turkey with all the trimmings is to Christmas or monstering a Hotel Chocolate ostrich egg in one sitting is to Easter. You’ve probably already decided you don’t want to go to the gym so the key here is to ease into it and see the benefit over the long term. You don’t want to cancel your membership today, not least because that may take some effort, keep that as a milestone for the future. Today just be content that choosing to go to the pub and watch the match will be the first step in your journey towards a happier you. 

Palace confirms that The Queen’s golden piano was purchased at John Lewis

Queen Elizabeth with a golden piano

A spokesman for the Queen has confirmed that the golden piano pictured behind Her Majesty during her annual Christmas speech was purchased at John Lewis.

The Queen used her traditional Christmas Day broadcast to suggest to her subjects that, whichever way they happened to vote in the Brexit referendum, could they please just try a little bit harder to get along. 

Stopping short of directly telling the ordinary people to stop sending each other death threats on social media, asking for a second referendum or using the phrase “we won get over it”, she suggested that;

“Even with the most deeply held differences, treating the other person with respect and as a fellow human being is always a good first step towards greater understanding.”

However, this message of goodwill was upstaged by the presence of a solitary gilded piano that has captured the imagination and fury of the retweeting classes. 

Following days of speculation as to the origins and cost of the golden instrument, and with far too many people pointing out “well she’s a Queen, of course she’s got a fucking golden piano” the Royal Household set the record straight in a statement published last night;

“Each year, Her Majesty looks forward to the release of the John Lewis Christmas advertisement and, like too many of us at Christmas, she gets drawn in by the heartwarming sentimentally of its message and tends to go a little overboard with the credit card.

“As many of her subjects will recall, this year’s ad, ‘The Boy and the Piano’ features a piano. As such I can confirm, yes the Queen did purchase a new piano and yes it is gold, but then she is a fucking Queen so of course its fucking gold.”