Trump replaces Smith for third Ashes Test
US President Donald Trump has been drafted into the Australian Cricket team for the 3rd Ashes test match at Headingley on Wednesday, Cricket Australia has confirmed.
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New Bond film title revealed as No Time for a Deal
The 25th James Bond film will be called No Time for a Deal and sees 007 face his most challenging mission yet.
Farage pulls out of Strictly but doesn’t rule out Bake Off
Nigel Farage has left his fans disappointed after pulling out of Strictly Come Dancing 2019.
Quiet carriage tutting outbreak leaves man with hearing loss
A man travelling in the quiet carriage of a train has been left with temporary tinnitus after levels of tutting exceed 150 decibels.
Brexit: Whitehall’s secret no-deal dossier rules out zombie apocalypse
A classified ‘Yellowhammer’ report reveals that while Britain will face shortages of fuel, food and medicine, disruption to travel, recession and rioting in the event of a no-deal Brexit, the risk of a zombie apocalypse remains low.
Gove stockpiling paddles for voyage up shit creek
Michael Gove has confounded critics, naysayers and doom-mongers, who say the UK is underprepared for a no-deal Brexit by revealing the government have amassed a sizeable cache of paddles in readiness for the UK’s exploration of shit creek in November.
Caretaker offers to lead caretaker government
Facilities manager Doug Smith has thrown his hard hat into the ring and says he’ll have a crack at forming a government if Boris Johnson loses a vote of no-confidence.
Plates in gourmet restaurants warn of Tory danger
Following the success of a campaign that uses takeaway chicken boxes to warn young people about the dangers of carrying a knife, top London restaurants are set to follow suit.
Gender stereotype ad ban prompts stereotypical response from public
News that two TV adverts have been banned under new UK gender stereotyping laws have prompted stereotypical responses from all sides.
Rail travel now more expensive than space travel
A round trip to the moon is now cheaper than the average UK rail season ticket, say analysts.
Trump tweets dick pic in support of Whitney Cummings
US Tweeter in Chief Donald Trump has unleashed an extreme close up of “Lil’ Donny” on an unsuspecting internet in support of comedian Whitney Cummings.
Grayling returns to the frontline as Johnson gets tough on crime
Former Justice Secretary Chris Grayling made a dramatic return to frontline politics today and will play a leading role as Prime Minister Boris Johnson gets increasingly tough on crime.
Farage and Banks to feature on commemorative 50p
Chancellor Sajid Javid plans to issue millions of commemorative Brexit 50p coins in time for the UK’s exit from the European Union on October 31st.
PM promises new prison places for naysayers, doom-mongers and gloom-merchants
Prime Minister Boris Johnson has promised to create 10,000 new prison places and expand stop-and-search powers in a bid to crackdown on the dramatic rise in doom-saying, devastation-dealing and cataclysm-retailing in UK towns and cities.
Grouse hunting definitely the most important thing to have an opinion on, says Labour
The Labour Party has called for an urgent review of grouse shooting, saying it is the most important issue facing the United Kingdom today.
Tory magic money tree shows record growth, says Chancellor
Chancellor Sajid Javid has announced that the Conservative Party’s magic money tree has shown record growth and will produce a bumper cash crop in time for a general election.
