Having a shouty conversation about your mundane life is now apparently more interesting than listening to the band you’ve paid £30 to see. 

Middle-aged gig-goers have responded with disbelief that the current generation would prefer to have a good chat rather than pay any sort of attention the band on stage. 

Permanently being stood behind two ‘kids’ with an inch of foam rubber stuffed in each ear, while they loudly discuss the rising cost of avocado lattes, has ruined live music for forty-somethings in Converse everywhere.

It is widely accepted that music stopped being important after Carter The Unstoppable Sex Machine split up for the fifth or sixth time, but the trend of having a good chinwag while the band’s on stage is almost as inexplicable as trying to get a selfie from the mosh pit to anyone who still owns an original Pop Kid t-shirt. 

“In my day you only opened your mouth for three things; to sing along, declare you were heading to the bar, or to fail to chat up some girl”, said Mark Fishgrove, who was last able to climb into his twenty-six inch waist trousers and zip them closed in a decade when people would have understood that reference.

“What could possibly be more important than absorbing every last moment that Ned’s Atomic Dustbin grace us with their presence on stage? 

“Bring back National Service I say, or maybe just Shoegazing.”