The Department for Environment Food & Rural Affairs is advising members of the metropolitan liberal elite to use Burns Night supper as a dry run for the food shortages expected to follow a no-deal Brexit.
DEFRA have circulated pamphlets as far north as Crouch End, suggesting that a Burns supper is an ideal opportunity for middle-class families to introduce their children to a new diet of offal and basic root vegetables.
“Celebrating Burns Night under the guise of recognising the life and work Scotland’s national Bard, with only a hint of cultural appropriation, is already popular in many middle-class households”, the pamphlet starts.
Continuing, “the traditional Burns supper of haggis, ‘neeps’ and ‘tatties’ makes a great introduction to the new diet little Tristan and Katie will face once the Foie Gras and Camembert stop flowing into Dover on the 1st of April 2019.”
For the housewife or househusband unfortunate enough to have recently lost their nanny or housekeeper due to the Government’s ‘hostile environment’, the pamphlet provides advice on where one can source the key ingredients of a Burns supper.
“Haggis can be found at the butchers or simply made at home by stuffing an unflavoured condom with oats and road kill.”
“Neeps and tatties” it advises, “should be available in Waitrose but may be labelled as turnips and potatoes, especially if you are fortunate enough to live south of Watford.”
Recognising that both Burns Night and the post-Brexit dining experience are not just about boiled food, DEFRA advises that parents should crack open a bottle of “fine English whiskey” in preparation for Scotland’s inevitable departure from the UK to rejoin the EU.