MPs are due to vote on the Prime Minister’s Brexit agreement today – but they get one last chance to table an amendment and make a wish before they do.
Ahead of the ‘meaningful’ vote on the government’s EU Withdrawal Bill, MPs will have one last chance to reshape it to their own personal advantage.
Parliamentary procedure allows MPs to table amendments to the Bill, with Commons Speaker, John Bercow, acting as a benevolent pixie and choosing which honourable members will get to have their wishes granted.
Here are the amendments we know about so far:
The “Jam Tomorrow” amendment
The Labour frontbench will vote for the Prime Minister’s deal on condition that the government ensures Jeremy Corbyn’s jam is made available in all vegan supermarkets.
In deprived areas, outside of Islington, jobs will be created building new vegan supermarkets to stock the delicious fruit preserve.
Dominic Grieve amendment
Following his amendment, tabled last week, that required hip hop artist Plan B to perform for the House. Mr Grieve is expected to suggest that Stormzy is offered a residency at the famous Commons Sports & Social Club Bar.
Last surviving Lib-Dem, Sir Vince Cable amendment
Sir Vince Cable will table an amendment requiring both the Conservative and Labour front benches to provide ‘breeding pairs’ of politicians to the Lib-Dems.
The children born of this unholy alliance will be raised by Sir Vince as Liberal Democrats, in an attempt to replenish their dwindling number in the wild.
Jacob Rees-Mogg amendment
As expected Mr Rees-Mogg’s amendment will call on Theresa May to, not only, tear-up her deal but to go much further in reestablishing Great Britain to its historic place in the world.
It is believed that the MP for Dickensian London now wishes to repeal all British law, passed since 1892, that confers rights on women, children and the lower classes, along with those ‘forced upon the us’ by Brussels.
He will also suggest that Mrs May offers the EU 27 a counter deal inviting them to become subservient members of a ‘New British Empire’.